I have not written in here for a long time, maybe not even this year ! I am going to have to go back to read what I last wrote but 2 things queued me in to write this now. First was several people /fans writing me letters asking questions and 2nd was my bill came due to renew this site. I am currently up at 5:45 , woke up about 4 am so I was checking emails , renewing car license online, paying for a roof rat exclusion contract ….all items been sitting in my email waiting to be addressed.
What a hall of a Year ! OMG … G that last part for GOD. Well during this year with all this craziness and alone time and bullshit , from lockdown to masks to rules to riots to fighting …Holly Shit ….are we in the end days ? I had prior to this point been becoming more spiritual and really been honing in on that, the universe, the tarot cards, soul work, true spiritual journey and all of that plus this crazy world now lead me back to GOD. I have been so angry that I am alone (esp now with the forced isolation), my family moved to the Midwest taking 4 of my grandkids , now 6 are out there and one in Denver and one more on the way in Denver. I am in AZ with one adult child whom lives nearby no children. That was rough on me. So with all of this inner work I have been doing I had a aha moment yesterday afternoon. But before I get to that I have to tell you that it’s been a super rough year. I had broke my left thumb last year wakesurfing summer of 2019 and had to imobilize my left thumb/arm with a cast. Then I got better and in under 4 months the pandemic hit thus keeping us away from working out. Then it somewhat lifted but its super hard to work out with a mask on. I made a home gym in the kitchen family room and was doing outside stuff til it got too hot. Well then this year I go Iowa to help find homes for the family and I fell down the stairs and I broke my right collarbone. Fuck are you kidding me ? So again beginning of Sept I was immobilized from upper body work. Well before that happened my left side had been having a lot of shoulder/back/arm pain. I kept doing a lot deep tissue massage/cupping etc trying to fix it before I fell. So since September nothing upper body until now I was released by Dr to do everything. All of that non use I now finally got the dr to look at left side. I have something called “frozen shoulder” ….well duh don’t use the arm that long of fucking course !!!! I believe it started with the thumb and then the down time of covid, then the right clavicle break. So I am dealing with trying to gain recovery of use of left side and do porn… lol . It is kind of hard as just getting a shirt on and off is hard. But enough other talent is willing to do that for me lol. But back to my revelation. I have been very depressed this year. I have felt lonely and angry and feel that the quality of life for everyone has really diminished. I feel our youth is getting cheated out of a life altogether. I feel our government is an embarrassment at best and a torture chamber of hell if the worst comes. I am worried for the country, and the world and humanity at large. I have felt sad and alone here and challenged. I have felt pain for my family whose suffered a lot from all these circumstances trying to have kids/jobs lives with no structure and no schools. I have tried to just carry and not be afraid and to train myself to survive in this mess. I have taken shooting lessons and bought 2 more guns. I had one. I set my night alarm and be ready if I need to be. I have dealt with roof rats invading my home. I have tried to find ways to get meals supplies and things to my home so I don’t have to deal with this weird dystopian society we live in. I have tried to stay working and done more work than many. I have endured bizarre testing to work, weird airline and crappy hotel conditions to keep moving. I am not afraid of dying or being sick. I am elated when I get to do normal things and be around those I work with. I have truly enjoyed the shoots and the people and the normal ness of the work I as able to do. I have shot remotely here, in Vegas and in Cali this year. I have plans for 2 more away shoots before the year is over. But the best thing I can say is back to my aha moment . I have grown a lot spiritually. I feel I am more authentic now than I ever have been and see society for what it is and the hypocrisy most people live in. I feel my purpose here now is to share that and try and teach people about being real with themselves and with others. All the masks we wear aside from covid has to to stripped from us for this planet to survive. I think this is a spiritual wake up call for the world. Things need to be torn down to rebuild to a honest place. That is where the GOD part comes in. With the inner work I have been doing , so above is below , so within in without …. I kept being told to be alone , go within , spend time with yourself , love yourself. I was sooo sick of hearing that. Then yesterday I get a aha speaking with one spiritual advisor about my strength, raising my kids, being a single mom … I realized I didn’t really do it alone. I never was alone. GOD was actually with me or I wouldn’t have made it. I have seen all those cheesy plaques before and I personally hate organized religion. Again it’s all the hypocrisy I cannot handle. Fake ass people for the most part, I am sure not all but in my overall experience that is how I see it. But then I found crystals and tarot cards and groups and ascension, got synchronicities and got lead right back to GOD. I was watching a card reader yesterday and she put some kind of preacher person on it and holly shit apparently GOD agrees with me and how I see marriage and spiritual marriage and doesn’t agree with dating …I realized how my beliefs are actually the same beliefs as GOD. We agree. I know that is a pretty conceited reason to go all in on this relationship, but the way I look at , whatever reason gets you there it doesn’t matter, and GOD made me like he made you and everyone so he knows who each of us is and how we are , what are strengths are , what are faults are and how to reach us. Just saying . I know many of you are going to say you bitch , you are a porn person, adult actress, whore whatever . I don’t care. Call me what you will. I know GOD accepts me and I believe I was placed here for a reason. I as well feel that just because I have a job that somehow reaches people even if it’s through their sexual side, it doesn’t matter. I am helping a lot of people feel good and actually a lot of couples write me. I think that God accepts we are all on a journey and I love my craft. He has let me let other things fall away and relationships that were not healthy and gave me vision. So I guess I am saying you can be yourself and love GOD and not be alone and still be yourself and if you trust the divine it will mold you into your purpose and what you are here for.
Dear Payton – Talk about asking and receiving! WOW! I cannot tell you how happy you have made me upon this day by fulfilling this request made only four days ago! Thank you for not only including a new blog – but all of your former blogs too. I shall enjoy re-reading them as much as I did reading this one. Please keep it up – Payton. You’ve much to share and its appreciated!!